I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
japanese corn
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.