*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
There is no “we” in pizza
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.