Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys