Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Saturday
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.