Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…