Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Ha
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals