Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Spell check is for lasers.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate