Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?