Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
You Might Also Like
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.