People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.