Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Covid like
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.