*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary