Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*orders delivery*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…