Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.