Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
You Might Also Like
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)