Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
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♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Am I having a stroke?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.