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FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Kids, do not try this at home!
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
584.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.