Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My first son he is wonderful
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Who knew!
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.