I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.