All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
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Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman