Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
No, he would not have.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned