My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
not seeing the problem
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing