I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”