Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.