I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Good point.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician