I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
In Canada they just call them geese
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
We’ve all been there
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Flowers bee like
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out