me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it