The struggle is real.
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??