Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.