Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone