subtitles are so good nowadays
You Might Also Like
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Yeah. This was me today.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.