i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance