At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
You Might Also Like
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
necessity is the mother of invention
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Chemical wingman
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.