My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
pls suprot
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
We have a winner.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Not recommended for beginners.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”