Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I will never stop laughing at this
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.