The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Perfect
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!