None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.