Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me