Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
This trial is so absurd 😭
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist