[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”