Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Saving my good tweets for marriage
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”