Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
You Might Also Like
So inspired right now.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Who called it baking and not making love
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.