My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?