One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.