Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
the three genders
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.