Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.