Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
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He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Waiting for the Charmin
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.