Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.