Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You Might Also Like
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.