My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works